bubbbaaa

i have a tumblr now

pbandjlee.tumblr.com

baggage free for the first time since 2006...wth? why did it take this long?

Next Semester

Principles of Microeconomics
Monday Wednesday Thursday 10:30
Economics of Poverty and Income
Tuesday Friday 1:35
Calculus 2
Monday Wednesday Thursday 4:35-5:40
Computer Science
Tuesday Friday 11:45

I'm always indecisive, unsatisfied, but still always happy.

It's funny because I'm not really sure what love is supposed to feel like, but I think I'm in love and I know it sounds silly to love someone so far away but I think we're meant to be, maybe not now but when the time is right I think our paths are meant to cross and if anything maybe 3000 miles will make us stronger because it has so far. A weekend in Colorado was perfect but too short.

I love Northeastern, I love being in college, I love Boston, I just don't think I'm ready for the people. I love my friend Holly but beyond that my friendships seem so fake. I don't think I'm going to be here next year, I think I'm going to transfer to UC Berkeley if I can get in, U Washington, or CU Boulder. I would love to be in Boulder but I'm not sure if all the reasons would be school oriented but a part of me feels like that's okay. I'm really happy when I'm with Hunter, he feels like home.

I feel like everything is on my shoulders now and it isn't school work because I don't get all that much and I can handle it, it just feels like life isn't agreeing with me right now. I'm not sure how to handle it. I just have never felt so lost before and it's strange because my whole life I've always been the one that knew what I wanted. I've had my whole life planned out since I was like 10 even if it's changed dramatically I've just always known. And I've reached this strange crossroad and I'm not sure where to go because I want to go far away, I'm not ready to leave home, but I want to leave home. I just don't know. Boulder seems safe to me, but I'm not sure if that's what I want.

I move to school in 5 days.
Colorado for Columbus Day weekend :)

I'm really happy with everything.

It's been 24 hours since I've seen you, come home already :(
It's really weird spending every day with someone to not seeing them for four months, maybe two if I can make my way to colorado in october

I wanna sit at your house cuddled under blankets, watching spanish movies, thumb wrestling, and rpsing. I want to call you and be able to say I'm off work and I'll be there in ten minutes. I want to have little sleep overs and wake up to breakfast at south street. I want you to whisper in my ear in that dumb creepy voice and tickle you until you make funny noises. I want to tuck you into bed after you've had one too many or play with your hair when you're sleepy. I want to sit at the country club laughing at everyone around us. I want you to tuck me into my bed before you leave my house, I want to watch my dog try to attack your hand and you taunting him, I want everything to stay the same.

I wish things were different. I've never been so content with anything in my whole life.

I told myself I wouldn't get attached but it's really hard not to and now everything is coming to an end because you're leaving and Colorado is just so far away and things have never been this good before, we've never gotten along so well, we've never been so consistent, we spend so much time together and we talk every day and I'm not even sure we did that when we were really dating. I wish I could just take you to school with me or I could go with you because you're the only person that I can fully accept for all your faults and I love my friends but you're just different. I don't want to let go of something that could work out so well if it weren't for distance. I hate how distance can be a deciding factor in a relationship. and I know that maybe if things were meant to be they'll happen but what am I supposed to do when you leave? I've always been happy to see you go because you've always left me on bad terms, but this is different now. I've never counted on you before or called you because I needed someone to talk to and now I do that so what do I do when you go back to school. And I know everyone tells me that I shouldn't waste my time because of all the things in the past but I can't help but want to spend all my time with you or put a lot of effort in and im glad this time you're doing it back and that it's not one sided anymore.

and I hope no one reads that because it's just mushy and stupid and I hate Colorado and I wish Hunter didn't have to go.

Things are perfect.
I spent the whole day with Hunter in Newburyport and it's so pretty and nice there. The weather was perfect. Everything was beautiful. It couldn't have been better!

Next week Hunter's taking me up to Loon in NH and before that to Newburyport to spend a day.

Why does he have to leave :(?

at this point
things could either go really well or come crash down
I like to think positively so I'll go with the first option


orientation was boring
I met a few people
I hope everyone comes to visit, I hope my room mate doesn't mind

I'm really happy with everything right now.

I'm glad I'm leaving with everything nice and nothing on bad terms :)

To Taiwan I goooo

Where did all my friendships go?
Everyone close to me I rarely see.
All my friendships seem like acquaintances.
But then again, why don't I care more that my friendships seem to be fading away?
I know, because you can't force a friendship to work.
For example, Kayla Colpitts, we have different friends and different lives, yet for some reason it never feels like we're falling apart. We see each other when we can, we listen to each other, and solve everything quickly and without much trouble.
I mean that must mean something.

Being done with high school doesn't feel different, I'm glad it's over, I'm glad I'm starting something new, I'm glad I rekindled old friendships this year. I couldn't be happier about how this year went.

Mr. McCoskery's poem made me tear up, I wish I could find it.

On Saturday I'll be done with high school forever?
It's a really weird feeling not going back to my second home.
It'll be so strange being away from home and rocky.
Boston will be my new home?

On Friday I have baccalaureate- I have to make a speech on my high school experience. I am so nervous. I'm going to stutter my whole entire speech.

I feel really anxious right now, my heart's racing and like I feel edgy.

I want to move on with my life! I want to go to Taiwan, come home, and go to school but I don't move in until September 3rd.

I'd really like to drive forever and never look back.

My friends used to be my second family and now I don't know what to think, when did everything get so different?

well this is something new :)

I hate how I always get in these ruts and I never know how to fix them.
I hate how this whole thing is a never ending cycle
I hate how up and down I am
I hate how far away college is
I hate how far away graduation is
I hate how I'm drawing a blank on how to write this speech
I hate how allergies are consuming my nose
I hate how inconsiderate people can be
I hate how inconsiderate I can be
I hate how life never changes
I hate how my life never changes
I hate how this weather won't last
I hate how good my life was three years from today
I hate how dumb I was three years from today
I hate how much has changed since then


but most of all
I hate the structure in my life.


When did my life get so unfufilling?

That is what I really would like to know, I used to be really happy and have really fun adventures and now I'd rather stay home than go out and do the same things again.

June 6th Senior Award Ceremony
June 7th Graduation 5:00 pm
September 3rd is the day college begins.

It's weird that I spent so much of my life waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet, someone that was really similar to me and that I could talk to about everything and would put me in my place and fight back when I argued and someone who cared about what is going around in the world as much as I do and someone who could tell me so many things that I didn't know and would do nice things with me like sit at the beach for no reason or go blueberry picking, yet somehow I managed to throw that away twice.

I'm an idiot.

I don't know why I keep lingering on something that happened two years ago and over the summer.

I changed my major to economics
hopefully  I can get into the program at northeastern

I can't wait for school